I was surprised to learn that people generally consider LDRs to be less successful than local relationships. While the dynamics of an LDR are certainly different, the core predictors of success are the same as local relationships: communication, intimacy, trust, etc, and if you ask those in LDRs what their motivations are for breaking up, I'm sure it'd be rare for them to say it's because of the distance.
To support that, here's some information from the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (CSLDR):
Rates of Break-up for LDRs Versus Proximal (Close) Relationships (PR) from 5 Studies:
- 30% PR and 27% LDR over 6 months
- 21% PR vs 37% LDR over 3 months*
- 35% PR vs. 42% LDR over 6 months*
- 23% PR vs 11% LDR over 6 months
- 25% PR vs. 8% LDR over 1 year
*Not a statistically significant difference (i.e., rates are statistically equal)
Multiple studies have measured relationship quality and compared couples in LDRs to those in geographically close relationships. Couples in LDRs report identical levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment.
Interesting, no?
Also, people often talk about the cons of being in an LDR, but not much is said about the possible benefits of. One advantage I can now appreciate about being in an LDR is that we're both more able to spend time and energy developing ourselves as individuals, whether that be focusing on our academic goals, career paths, families, friends, hobbies, etc. We get more of the time and satisfaction of pursuing our own interests while also maintaining a meaningful relationship together.
I know a few of you have been or are currently in LDRs yourselves. Or maybe you'll be in one someday if you haven't already. Or chances are good that you know someone else who's in an LDR. Here's some interesting advice from the CSLDR for LDR couples (I've cut out quite a bit of the text here for brevity's sake):
- Stay Optimistic! When we looked at dozens of coping styles used by couples in long distance relationships, the only one that clearly stood out was staying optimistic about the relationship. [...] Focusing on the positive asks couples to remember the advantages that come with an LDR (and there are many!)
- Re-Learn How to be Intimate. [...] Our research found that what couples say and how they say it matters far more than how frequently they communicate. We use a five-step approach to re-learning intimacy:
- First, find ways to share in the little day-to-day events. [...]
- Second, use technology to create intimacy. [...]
- Our research found that couples in LDRs that stayed together wrote to one another twice as often as those that broke up (even when we controlled for differences in trust, commitment, etc.) Hand written letters (not email) have an important psychological impact that fosters intimacy.
- Understand the pitfalls of talking on the telephone. Unfortunately, research shows that talking on the telephone has a number of important drawbacks. Arguments are more difficult to resolve, opinions are difficult to predict, couples feel misunderstood and attacked, and they may judge their partner as less sincere and intelligent then when talking face-to-face. [...]
- Use reminders of your partner frequently. [...]
- Some things must be said. Couples in LDRs often don't discuss certain topics that are critical to relationships. Faced with limited time together, couples often don't want to "spoil" a weekend by bringing up issues. This leads to a tendency to postpone (often indefinitely) discussing important topics. Research has shown that while couples in LDRs argue less frequently than others, they also progress more slowly. Similarly, couples in LDRs can come to idealize their partner (downplaying the negative side) which works well until the couple re-unite. Then disillusionment can set in. To combat this effect we recommend that couples formalize a time to talk about the relationship and address problems that might otherwise fester. [...] Finally, we remind couples in LDRs to generously applaud the contributions of their partners. Men in LDRs in particular feel that their partners did not acknowledge their contributions.
- Don't Isolate Yourself! Research has found that those in LDRs very frequently cut themselves off from others. They use work as a distraction from the loneliness. They feel awkward when they're out in public. Their ambiguous status – physically single but not romantically available – can be uncomfortable in certain social situations. [...]
- Expect Disappointment. Couples in LDRs sometimes measure the success of their relationship by the perceived quality of the most recent time spent together. If the weekend went great then the relationship is doing well. If the weekend was a disappointment then the relationship is in trouble. [...] Simply realizing that there will be some disappointing times together – and that this is normal – will help with those less than glorious weekends.
- Learn the Art of Long Distance Sex. [...] Fortunately, research has shown that couples in LDRs report just as satisfying sex lives as their geographically close counterparts. When reuniting, couples in LDRs often report a "honeymoon" effect complete with intense and novel sexual escapades (one of the advantages of LDRs). When apart, couples need to learn how to be sexual without being physically close. [...]
Hope you guys find some value in all that information! If you're interested in reading more about research on LDRs, here's the source of the information posted in today's entry: http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/f
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henrycpt2001 : interesting [+2] - dementia : (no subject) [+0]
- (Anonymous) : Hmmmm [+1]
Comments
1) About the statistics. I think that they make sense. Long distance couples might last a bit longer than most relationship over the short run, and here's why.
-People that go into a long distance relationship in the first place, are probably a bit more serious than people who just date someone at work, school, etc. This is of course assuming you have physically met the person. Internet romances are a different story. Anyways, for you to decide to start a long distance relationship, you have to be pretty committed to the idea. You know it won't be easy, so you won't start something that takes so much time and energy to make work, if you think it wont succeed... This is probably why people in PR relationships break up often, they date on a whim, a feeling, an impulse. To go into a long distance relationship, you have to think things through.
-Secondly, when your in a LDR, you see each other much much less. That means fewer opportunities to fight and get angry over the little things. You might see each other one or two times a month if that. People in PR (close) relationship are in each others faces all the time. I think this speeds up the relationship. Intimacy can be achieved faster, for example if you live with some one, and breaking points can concurrently be reached faster.
2) the positives
-I think that being in a long distance has definitely helped me focus on my career and finding my own identity. I able to stay out when I want, and I don't have to report to anyone. Furthermore, I have more time to build other relationships. Because of this time, I can work 80 hours a week and not feel like I'm neglecting my significant other because I'm not around to have lunch, or go out on the weekend.
-We definitely argue less, lol. The little things don't seem to matter as much because we don't see each other every day. When we do, we try to enjoy that time and don't argue or fight.
3) the negatives
-That awkward feeling that was described, being "physically single" but "emotionally involved" sucks. When I go out, I feel as if I can't really enjoy myself. I don't really want to dance or hang out with other girls because well, I'm not interested. Often times I just don't want to go out to clubs and bars. That may be why I live with a bunch of people who are also in long distance relationships, we can all understand and support each other.
-Loneliness. Not having someone just there with you, especially for difficult times sucks. Sometimes you need a hug, and those are hard to give over the phone.
-Intimacy. After 6 week I start to get emotionally and physically detached from my significant other. I have to reestablish intimacy when I see them. This sucks.
-Sex- I will have to disagree with the study on this one. I enjoy it frequent and often. Not having it for months at a time is horrible. HORRIBLE! Phone sex, internet sex, web cam sex etc etc just doesn't measure up to the real thing. This was probably the hardest thing to get used to. Not i'm used to being abstinent and it doesn't bother me as much. Yes when we are reunited we have the "honeymoon" effect as described above, but when we were living near each other, everyday was a honeymoon in bed.
-the article also states that people who are in LDR often don't break up because of the distance. I think that can't be right. So many people give up because the distance is so hard. This was easy for me to see, as 1/4 of my med school class is from california and 90% from another state (I'm in Mass), and most of them had relationships there. They either broke up immediately before school started, or did it during "black monday", the monday after getting home from Thanksgiving.
I thought you made a great point about people who choose to get into LDRs in the first place. I do think they tend to be more serious about their commitment. The breakup rate is about the same as PRs within the first 6 months because even though the commitment might be higher, some relationships aren't able to adjust to the distance dynamics. By the first year, though, the breakup rate drops tremendously for LDRs. I'm still speculating as to why.
Fights are a big part of intimacy, too, and while it's great that small fights are pretty minimal, the conversations about how to work these differences out unfortunately end up being put in the back burner, too. Double-edged sword. :\
The part about people breaking up because of factors other than the distance... that I agree with. If a couple truly felt that they were in a good thing, they wouldn't give it up just for distance. Often times they have communication or trust issues that were probably there before the distance started. What I also see happening is that people in LDRs lose the intimacy part from not having each other in their day-to-day lives, so that disconnectedness can lead to breakups, too. Distance can be an agitator, but ultimately, I think it's due more to relationship dynamics than the distance itself.
P.S. Being in close proximity might mean more fights, but it also means a bigger potential for make-up sex. :D
So although I am writing here I dont have anything to add other than "wow I was wrong about that" - and to point out that this was a really good, thought provoking post.
- Anon