I had my graduate ceremony today, even though I don't completely finish my program until the end of July. It's a little weird to walk a few months earlier than I feel I should, but it's better than having to go back to walk after a few months of being out of school.

I don't generally feel celebratory about graduations, mostly because I question the meaning of my own. I feel like I fooled the university somehow, like I was able to fake it through my year here long enough to get a Master's. I'm not going to feel smarter or more capable the moment I get my diploma, and I'm pretty sure I'll feel similarly when/if I get my MFT license. With this kind of attitude towards my own education, you can see why I wouldn't really be into my own graduation.

It wasn't until after the ceremony that I spent a little time weighing on what life has been like for me this past year. I may not have felt strongly about my academic education, but I'll be damned if I wasn't somehow transformed emotionally and personally in the same time span.

And ultimately, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Today I celebrate my interpersonal and intrapersonal growth from my year in grad school. And today's ceremony will remind me that long after I've finished my program, I will remember how much it has tested my strength, and I will remember that I am capable of more than I think I'm capable of.

I know haven't said much about counseling publicly here. The biggest reason is really because school and traineeship have been huge stress factors, so when I get the chance to blog, I spend that time focusing on non-counseling-related things as a respite. But I'd like to take the time now to say a couple of things about counseling.

First, I had some serious misconceptions about what counseling would be like or what it was about when I first started my grad program. One big misconception was that therapists are advice-givers. While they certainly can give advice, practitioners are supposed to abstain from advice-giving because the goal ultimately is to have the client self-manage. (How to get clients to manage themselves depends on your theoretical orientation, of course.) Besides, just because someone gives you advice doesn't mean you're gonna take it, no matter how well-intentioned or how much empirical support there is for some decisions. Which is fine, because life paths go differently for everyone.

So what are they supposed to do? I asked. Therapists are really just here to listen and help you get through the process of decision-making, feeling, etc. Once you make some kind of decision to change something in your life, therapists can help train you behaviorally to achieve your goal, whether it's to communicate more assertively or to manage addiction, anger, stress.

For therapists, there's the issue of having to overcome therapy's stigma as "the thing for crazy people" or "dysfunctional families." I think we're all a little dysfunctional in some ways, and the kinds of techniques available for remedying our little dysfunctions are not difficult to learn... they just take time to practice and apply.

Well, I guess that assumes that you're not severely dysfunctional. But as my supervisor likes to say, I am more interested in working with ordinary people experiencing extraordinary events.

It took a long time for me to accept the idea that we can't "fix" people. Rationally, it makes sense, but I needed time to buy into the idea, that there will be many times when I will want to help magically make problems disappear for clients, but the best I can do is to just be there for them. And it's not easy to be present with the client when they're going through a really difficult time, because while I'm there with them, I end up suffering along with them as well, if only a fraction of what they're suffering through.

During the times I am able to help, I'm almost always surprised at how it all works out. A good example of this is the use of rapport and the therapeutic relationship. For a kid who's got issues with stable adult/caregiver relationships, having a caring, stable adult whom they see on a regular basis gives them:
1) self-worth, seeing that someone else cares about their success,
2) a model of healthy relationships for the future,
3) the space in which to air out their grievances, even if it seems as though nothing can be done about it.

The third point there sometimes--well, more than just sometimes--makes me feel as though I'm not actually doing anything with the client. But then I think about my own experience as a client and how valuable that 50-minute period is with someone who's actively listening to me. And I've learned that, generally, the more you're able to talk about a painful experience, the more the pain loses its power over you. Sort of like a very simple kind of desensitization, really.

Anyway! This entry got longer than I intended it to be. But I'll just sum up the rest by saying this: I had a very big moment of career identity crisis in mid-January, and the events from last week and this week has made that dissipate somewhat. There's still a big question mark looming in the future about where I'll be or what I'll do after graduation, but I hope I still stay connected to mental health, whether as a volunteer or as a clinician.

I've moved precisely 5.5 times in my life.  (The 0.5 comes from when my family moved to Torrance, and when I temporarily moved back in for a couple weeks before the Beijing move.)  The first two moves occurred when I was too young to remember.  But each move after that forced me to consider the most important things in my life.

I'm the type of person who doesn't embrace change easily.  I like feeling settled, even if I'm not blissfully happy with the circumstances.  However, I'm also pretty lazy, which means that when I have to move, I try to get rid of as much as I can, fighting against the pack-rat tendencies.  And each move feels like a "cleaner" start.

Yesterday, I moved into Sarah's old room.  It wasn't much bigger than my room, but it did have a huge bay window with curtains (as well as other, smaller furniture items).  I also felt trapped in my room for reasons I won't mention here.  So I moved to her room.  Lemme tell you, it was definitely refreshing.

I didn't throw away a lot of things, but I did a ton of cleaning and reorganizing.  I stopped leaving my clothes in the big suitcases and moved them into the closet drawer.  I brought out a box I used for storage/packing and made it into a handy "snack box" with chips, pocky sticks, and dried fruit.  I filled the desk drawers with my stationary, medicine, and miscellaneous crap.  I stocked the mini-bookshelf with the few books I brought. 

In short, I was really settling in and tried to throw out the tourist mentality, the whole "I'm leaving soon" mentality.  I don't think I got rid of all of that, though; with half of my contract time nearly completed, it's easy to imagine being back at the States by the end of summer. 

And, naturally, with the move came thoughts of what was most important to me: my loved ones.

Beijing has its perks and pitfalls*, but so has any other city I've ever lived in so far.  I could take it or leave it.  But for the long-term, I need my loved ones nearby.  I can settle in nearly any (urban) city so as long as my loved ones are there with me.  And I like some of the people here, but I feel no real love here.  With the timezone difference, the contact window with friends and family has been incredibly restrictive as well. 

* As a side note, it'd be nice to live in a city where I could breathe without my throat hurting.  :P  So I could live in Beijing if loved ones were here, but since I love them, I'd highly discourage them from settling here.  It's too harsh on the respiratory system.

I've never felt as though I have a cause to fight for.

I don't consider myself religious, but sometimes I wonder if not having a cause means I don't have a soul.  To be sure, there are so many good causes one could support in the world, and trying to support them all might spread oneself too thin, emotionally, financially, physically.  But I haven't come across one that's dear to my heart, and so I end up with no cause at all.

It must be nice to have a "mission," to have a sense of purpose to your life.  It gives you an identity.

Seems silly to have an identity-crisis when you're only 22. 

I fear sometimes that my attempts to reach out to the world will mean nothing to me, that I am pursuing certain activities only to avoid the idea that I am not satisfied with myself.  Do I really want to go to China?  Do I really want to go to grad school for counseling?  Perhaps I am only doing these things just to tell people, "Yes, I have a plan for my life, and it's what I really, truly want."

I am of the opinion that it's better to keep moving forward with these half-hearted plans than to remain still and listless.  Perhaps what I truly fear is being still.  That's probably why I don't have a cause.

I saved an icon Demmie had once.  It said, "Life is not about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself."  Who do I want to be?  Is the person I want to become someone that I can't be?

Ah-ha.  The real problem is that I don't know what I want!  How can you "create yourself" if you don't know what you want to create?  And how can you find yourself if you don't know what you're looking for? 

...

I've noticed that in the past month, I've started doing more activities that fall under the list of "Things I've always wanted to do."  I know it's spurred by the idea that I won't get to do any of those things in a few weeks.  I've been enjoying my life a little more, smiling more, laughing more.  I stay out later and sleep less (except for Sundays).  I let myself drink more Dr. Pepper. 

How sad it is that we need "limited time"--to be on the brink of departure--to allow ourselves to savor the happiest moments of our lives.

I guess China will be great, then.  I'll constantly be thinking, "OMG, I have only six months!" and living life there like I won't get to see it again.

I will start by reiterating the introduction to last year's wish list:

It's the homebody in me that's now longing for experiences of substance rather than things in of themselves. And it's the understanding cheapskate in me that would rather not have people with good intentions and not-so-good pocketbooks strain themselves out to give me a gift, saying, "See, I thought well of you this holiday season."

This year's wish list, I hope, will reflect these two thoughts.

I've thought about it, and though there are lots of material things I'd love to have (see my Amazon wish list). But I really have only one wish for myself, and that is to be a better person in so many different ways. The following list will be categorized in all the different ways I hope to better myself. I am offering links to as many of them as I can, but you are welcome to shop at other stores, of course; I support great bargains!

1. Physically, I feel alright with myself, but I'd love to improve. Whether it's a more fit body, a great new haircut/hairdo, or a better fashion sense, I'd love to look at the mirror and think, "Hey, I look great today." Or I'd be able to run a mile and say at the end of the mile, "Hey, I feel great today." Learning to cook healthier, tastier cuisine might help. Suggestions:
- Vinyl dumbbells
- a kettle (I know this is only loosely related to the cooking thing, but a kettle is mighty convenient to have.)
- giftcard to a clothing/shoe/accessory store
- subscription to a fashion magazine?
- giftcard to a hair salon (around San Jose or LA)
- WARM HOODIE SWEATERS/JACKETS/SCARVES/BEANIE OMG (Hey, can't forget to keep healthy and warm, too!)

2. Mentally, I'd want even more work. I want to read for leisure again. I want to sharpen my writing and be able to hold intelligent conversations in a variety of topics: politics, religion, sociology, education, etc. I even want to learn "traditional math" (you guys from CAMS know what I mean... or not!) and be able to tutor comfortably in Algebra 2 or calculus. I'd love to try a little programming, speak a new foreign language, and learn how to read music a little more fluently (and learn the guitar for real this time!).
- Any one of the Harry Potter books (can't find the link for book 7! There IS a book 7, right?). I haven't started on any and would like to.
- A used Algebra 2 or calculus book that's NOT CPM
- Worksheets to practice Chinese characters on
- An interesting novel written in Vietnamese/Chinese/Spanish, as an incentive to learn enough of any one of those languages (like a treasure hunt!)
- Sheet music (preferably with guitar tabs) for new songs. I've already got tabs for Stairway to Heaven; if you could recommend other songs to learn, that'd be great. I'd love tabs for Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle.
- I have no idea how to start on learning a programming language independently, but I'm sure any number of "__ for Dummies" would work. What language would you guys recommend?

3. Socially, I'd like improvement as well. I tend to coop myself up in my room, mostly for work-related reasons, but the isolation is both protective and detrimental. I want to be able to hold a good, solid conversation with any stranger for 15 minutes. The hard part is getting over initial anxieties of meeting new people for the first time (with the purpose of getting to know them better). Also, I'd love to be able to tell a variety of good jokes for different audiences and occasions; what breaks ice better than laughter?
- A good joke book
- Tickets to an event, or a donation for Cirque du Soleil tickets
- Oh my god. This is a hard list to brainstorm for!

4. Emotionally, I'd like to feel more confident with myself. In the past, people have commented that they think me to be modest about my abilities, and I respond frankly, "I'm not modest. I just have a low self-esteem." It makes me afraid to try a lot of things, and when I do attempt new things or things that seem out-of-reach, my attempt shows my lack of confidence, too. I just want to see new chances as opportunities for success instead of failure.
- Hugs. Lots of it.

5. Financially, I'd want to be more independent, but not without compromising job/career satisfaction. Sure, I'm hoping to be able to put a down payment on a home someday, but I'd also love to afford travel (both in terms of time and money!). The "financial wish" is more about being able to pursue the rest of the other areas.
- Money! Hahaha, just kidding.

Okay, so the last three categories are hard to come up with. I'm just telling you what I really want, is all.

For those of you who do want to take part in this holiday meme, ( here it is. )

I love pool.

It all started months ago, really.  Back in April or May, when we were still just friends, MF and I went to Edgie's once after work to play for a few hours.  Then in June or July, we played at Santa Clara Billiards with two of his UCLA friends.  And I came back twice more to play with Chris and Sangeeta, then my sister Teresa.

I still needed to satiate my pool fix.

I had met someone on Craig's List who happened to be a pool junkie.  He told me about some bi-monthly pool mixers occurring around the South Bay; to play from 7:00 to 10:30, ladies pay $10, guys $15, and if you wanted to play more after that, you could pay $5 more to play til closing.  I figured that was a great deal, so I went.

That was three mixers ago.  :)

My first mixer was a little intimidating.  I came by myself and didn't know anyone; the first people there were the pool sharks.  Fortunately for me, they also happened to be very patient teachers.  My last game that night was quite a ways from the first game, and I was complimented a few times on my learning curve.

Since then, I've gotten to know the regulars bit by bit.  Some of them are there for the pure enjoyment of the game, and others hate to lose a game.  You can tell which one's which, and for a beginner like me, I try to hang out with the former. 

I've learned a lot at these mixers, including learning how to play nine-ball (which is a lot of fun) and cutthroat (not so fun).  I can hold my cue better than before, and I'm learning strategy as well (like when you clearly can't make a shot, shoot the cue ball so that your opponent can't either).  And about once or twice each mixer, my coach might tell me a shot is difficult to pull off, and I do it anyway... such great beginner's luck! 

The downside to pool, however, is that playing outside of these mixers is pricey.  The longer I play at a mixer, the more bang I get from my buck, especially since it sometimes takes me awhile to warm up. 

Wow, I'm already tired of writing this entry.  I'm reading it over and I'm tired of it.  Pool's just more fun to play than to talk about, but it's been such a major interest lately that I'd have to bring it up.

If you live in the Bay, especially the South Bay, come to a mixer!  The next one is two Saturdays from now, and it's most likely going to be at Lucky Shots in Sunnyvale from 7:00-10:30.  :)  It'll be fun!