ilubmoney

For our lunch today, I was determined to make pho ga (Vietnamese chicken noodle soup). Since I had never made it before, I decided to go to my mom first to ask for advice and maybe a recipe.

When I got to LA last weekend and asked her about it, she raved about these seasoning packets that just needed water, chicken, and maybe some onions and ginger. "It tastes really good and is convenient!" she exclaimed. I wasn't impressed, and I missed it when she made everything from scratch instead of from seasoning packets. I get that time is money and that she's got a large family to feed, but I missed the love in her food.

So instead of using her pho seasoning packets, I used this recipe. It was pretty straightforward, just time-consuming... it took me about 2 hours altogether to make. But it was so worth it.  Towards the end, I kept tasting the broth and noticed that something was missing.  I worried that I had put too much ginger and/or fish sauce and that I completely missed an ingredient.  I added some cinnamon.  Nope, that wasn't it.  It needed  a sweeter flavor.  I added a small piece of rock sugar to see if that would help.  Nope, that wasn't it, either.

Albert came over to help me taste test.  It was then that I realized I forgot to add the whole cloves.  So we added that, let it simmer for 10-15 minutes... the taste was closer, but still wasn't quite right and lacked the sweetness that wasn't from sugar.

"Did you add garlic?"

LIGHTBULB.

Garlic wasn't even in the recipe, but it desperately needed to be.  I added whole cloves of garlic to the broth while Albert chopped up some garlic, sauteed them in a little sesame oil (OMG SO FRAGRANT), and added that to the broth.  It was JUST what the soup needed!

Anyway, the whole point of the story is this: don't use seasoning packets when you've got the time and resources to do better.  Seasoning packets don't give you control over how you want to flavor your dishes, and they don't give you insight on the complexity and art of cooking.  I came away with 3 days' worth of delicious pho and a greater appreciation for well-made pho.

When you cooked for loved ones, it's worth the extra time and effort anyway. :)

I gotta say, joining SparkPeople has been really helpful for me. The whole tracking business has been really helpful with getting me into the habit of going to the gym consistently for the past three weeks (and they say it takes at least 21 days to make/break a habit).

A couple of notes about my experience over the last few weeks:

• I gained about 5 lbs. since I measured myself about a month ago. I now officially weigh the most I have ever weighed thus far. When I saw the new number on the gym scale this past Monday, I freaked out a little and went home to grab my measuring tape. Funnily enough, my bust-waist-hip measurements are identical to what they were a month ago. Maybe I've gained more muscle mass, but I'm inclined to wonder if it's just more water weight due to my just drinking more water in general. I don't think the increased water intake has happened long enough for me to rule it out for my recent weight gain.
• I don't know if I necessarily feel more energy after working out, but I definitely feel more accomplished. Generally, I've been in a great mood, but I can't attribute that entirely to exercise and nutrition alone. :)
• I've concentrated the past 2 weeks or so on nutrition. Part of it was to cut down on dining out and save expenses that way, and part of it was just because I missed cooking meals and have time for it now. I definitely feel more aware about not just my general calorie intake but my general nutritional breakdown in general. I still have trouble getting enough protein, carbs, and calcium in my diet. I'd like to think I've been better about replacing sweets with fruits, though sweets haven't been cut completely (FBers know, but Albert brought me some ice cream cupcakes earlier this week <3).
• I'm still waiting to notice differences in my physical appearance. I notice small differences in strength and endurance when I'm consistent with my workouts, like my body is getting better at tolerating the discomfort of cardio and weights. I can lift slightly more than I used to a month ago, and my legs are generally making much more improvement than my upper body.
• I'm definitely learning a lot more about exercise and nutrition through reading their articles daily. Some of my favorite interesting/useful articles so far: "Workout ideas for couples," "20 Healthiest Foods for Under $1," "Optimism and the Power of Positive Thinking."
• My main goal is to get accustomed to the habit of getting to the gym and/or exercising, so I make my regimen as simple as possible.  I aim to do 20 minutes of cardio a day for 4 days a week, 2 days of strength training (in which I go through 10 of the exercise stations/machines, 2 sets of 15-20 reps at each station, more if I do crunches). 
• A good workout mix really helps me stay on track with cardio, especially if there's a song or two I love to dance to, but I lost my earphones recently and have had trouble on the treadmill this week.  Today I skipped out on the gym but did my cardio at home using two SparkPeople workout videos and a jump rope.  Pretty awesome workout, too.

Also, due to my renewed interest in food, I've rediscovered a love for making food.  Things I have cooked over the past two weeks:

• Japanese-style curry with rice
• Lasagna (with mushrooms, zuchinni, and chicken)
• Japanese-style rice omlettes ("omurice")
• Baked chicken drumsticks using Panko breadcrumbs for the first time
• Restyled "mac and cheese" using rotini, leftover fancy cheeses from a potluck (apple smoked gruyere, havarti, and shredded mozzarella), homemade breadcrumbs (also leftover from said potluck), and leftover chicken breasts
• Chicken pot pie (I bought a Betty Crocker mix for the crust and tossed in some leftovers for the filling; burnt the crust a bit, but because it was flaky, I was able to peel off some of the burnt layers)

Over the next few days, I plan on making Korean tofu soup/stew (partly for Albert's birthday), possibly chili dogs with homemade chili, and chocolate covered cherry cookies.  Recipe for the cookies will make about 3 dozen, so if you're in the area and would like some next week, let me know! :)

I've been wanting to learn how to put on makeup for many years now, and now I'm going to gently step into the world of makeup via free samples (yay for samples!). This way, I can experiment with what looks good on my skin without having to pay a whole lot.

So for those who are good with makeup and like to play with makeup, I need your help!

My sister referred me to Everyday Minerals where they offer a free sample kit of 3 foundations, a blush, and a concealer. Good start for a free kit!

But I'm looking at the tones, and I'm not too sure what looks good against my skin without being able to dab a little on. Can anyone recommend a tone for me? You can check out my photo gallery for various photos of me, but I think this one is the most recent one I've uploaded. I think I have a red/yellow skintone. If some colors don't quite match up to me, is it better to err on the side of darker or lighter foundation?

Also, any free samples you can point to my way would be greatly appreciated. I plan to have fun with this in the coming months. :)

I'm putting this up a little early because I suspect that once I make my drive back up north and see the mister again (and do a little work to boot), I won't have much of a chance to post. (I'm aware that I'm making excuses because I have time to check my friends list page and Facebook, but posting takes so much more thinking time!). Anyway, here goes!

For 2009, I'm focusing on building and strengthening relationships.
* Make at least one new local female friend. Updated 8/13/09, making many female acquaintances through work and friends of friends.
* Continue to build a good relationship with MF's family. Visit his family at least twice a month (once a week is better), and try to get to know his younger brothers more.
* Be more patient, loving, and communicative with MF.-- No longer relevant.
* Talk more often with my brothers (whom I have not been as close to as my sisters). Plan special trips out with the boys a few times a year.
* Call/email my out-of-town friends more.
* Host small gatherings at my place once in a while. Make use of the larger kitchen and the pool table in the garage.

Other miscellaneous missions for 2009:
* Visit at least one new city I've never been to before.
* Shoot a gun in the safety of a shooting range. --DONE
* Try one new, local restaurant every two weeks. (I eat out at least once a week, so trying a new restaurant should be more than doable.)
* Continue going to the gym 2-3 times a week.
* Learn how to put on makeup and assemble a basic makeup kit for myself. --DONE
* Attend the CAMFT conference in April/May. (How appropriate that the theme this year is "Rendezvous Connections and Renewal!") --Wasn't able to do due to timing, decided to go to LA instead.
* See a musical (in a theater instead of on film).
* Learn how to snowboard.
* Attempt indoor climbing.
* See all the Oscar best picture nominees before the Oscars. --DONE

I sold my desk on CraigsList today for $30 (originally posted $40, but I felt sorry for them as they were having trouble with transportation, so I knocked $10 off the deal). While making the post, though, I decided to play with the desk photo(s) and made this using Photoshop and a gif animator:



It opens and closes! I'm ridiculously proud of myself because they were two photos that didn't fit *quite* right with each other, and I'm kind of excited about what else I could do from having watched the funny Photoshop tutorials from a couple weeks ago.

This kind of makes me think of Dominic. He's the only Photoshop fanatic I know; I don't know if he'd feel proud of me (doubtful he'd care), but he'd enjoy the tutorials. Wish I could share them with him just because it'd be nice to have someone specific other than me enjoy them.

Back to paper-writing! Some packing and selling done today (including some purchasing of CP's stuff for cheap), but not enough paper-writing.

I had my graduate ceremony today, even though I don't completely finish my program until the end of July. It's a little weird to walk a few months earlier than I feel I should, but it's better than having to go back to walk after a few months of being out of school.

I don't generally feel celebratory about graduations, mostly because I question the meaning of my own. I feel like I fooled the university somehow, like I was able to fake it through my year here long enough to get a Master's. I'm not going to feel smarter or more capable the moment I get my diploma, and I'm pretty sure I'll feel similarly when/if I get my MFT license. With this kind of attitude towards my own education, you can see why I wouldn't really be into my own graduation.

It wasn't until after the ceremony that I spent a little time weighing on what life has been like for me this past year. I may not have felt strongly about my academic education, but I'll be damned if I wasn't somehow transformed emotionally and personally in the same time span.

And ultimately, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Today I celebrate my interpersonal and intrapersonal growth from my year in grad school. And today's ceremony will remind me that long after I've finished my program, I will remember how much it has tested my strength, and I will remember that I am capable of more than I think I'm capable of.

I know haven't said much about counseling publicly here. The biggest reason is really because school and traineeship have been huge stress factors, so when I get the chance to blog, I spend that time focusing on non-counseling-related things as a respite. But I'd like to take the time now to say a couple of things about counseling.

First, I had some serious misconceptions about what counseling would be like or what it was about when I first started my grad program. One big misconception was that therapists are advice-givers. While they certainly can give advice, practitioners are supposed to abstain from advice-giving because the goal ultimately is to have the client self-manage. (How to get clients to manage themselves depends on your theoretical orientation, of course.) Besides, just because someone gives you advice doesn't mean you're gonna take it, no matter how well-intentioned or how much empirical support there is for some decisions. Which is fine, because life paths go differently for everyone.

So what are they supposed to do? I asked. Therapists are really just here to listen and help you get through the process of decision-making, feeling, etc. Once you make some kind of decision to change something in your life, therapists can help train you behaviorally to achieve your goal, whether it's to communicate more assertively or to manage addiction, anger, stress.

For therapists, there's the issue of having to overcome therapy's stigma as "the thing for crazy people" or "dysfunctional families." I think we're all a little dysfunctional in some ways, and the kinds of techniques available for remedying our little dysfunctions are not difficult to learn... they just take time to practice and apply.

Well, I guess that assumes that you're not severely dysfunctional. But as my supervisor likes to say, I am more interested in working with ordinary people experiencing extraordinary events.

It took a long time for me to accept the idea that we can't "fix" people. Rationally, it makes sense, but I needed time to buy into the idea, that there will be many times when I will want to help magically make problems disappear for clients, but the best I can do is to just be there for them. And it's not easy to be present with the client when they're going through a really difficult time, because while I'm there with them, I end up suffering along with them as well, if only a fraction of what they're suffering through.

During the times I am able to help, I'm almost always surprised at how it all works out. A good example of this is the use of rapport and the therapeutic relationship. For a kid who's got issues with stable adult/caregiver relationships, having a caring, stable adult whom they see on a regular basis gives them:
1) self-worth, seeing that someone else cares about their success,
2) a model of healthy relationships for the future,
3) the space in which to air out their grievances, even if it seems as though nothing can be done about it.

The third point there sometimes--well, more than just sometimes--makes me feel as though I'm not actually doing anything with the client. But then I think about my own experience as a client and how valuable that 50-minute period is with someone who's actively listening to me. And I've learned that, generally, the more you're able to talk about a painful experience, the more the pain loses its power over you. Sort of like a very simple kind of desensitization, really.

Anyway! This entry got longer than I intended it to be. But I'll just sum up the rest by saying this: I had a very big moment of career identity crisis in mid-January, and the events from last week and this week has made that dissipate somewhat. There's still a big question mark looming in the future about where I'll be or what I'll do after graduation, but I hope I still stay connected to mental health, whether as a volunteer or as a clinician.

I've moved precisely 5.5 times in my life.  (The 0.5 comes from when my family moved to Torrance, and when I temporarily moved back in for a couple weeks before the Beijing move.)  The first two moves occurred when I was too young to remember.  But each move after that forced me to consider the most important things in my life.

I'm the type of person who doesn't embrace change easily.  I like feeling settled, even if I'm not blissfully happy with the circumstances.  However, I'm also pretty lazy, which means that when I have to move, I try to get rid of as much as I can, fighting against the pack-rat tendencies.  And each move feels like a "cleaner" start.

Yesterday, I moved into Sarah's old room.  It wasn't much bigger than my room, but it did have a huge bay window with curtains (as well as other, smaller furniture items).  I also felt trapped in my room for reasons I won't mention here.  So I moved to her room.  Lemme tell you, it was definitely refreshing.

I didn't throw away a lot of things, but I did a ton of cleaning and reorganizing.  I stopped leaving my clothes in the big suitcases and moved them into the closet drawer.  I brought out a box I used for storage/packing and made it into a handy "snack box" with chips, pocky sticks, and dried fruit.  I filled the desk drawers with my stationary, medicine, and miscellaneous crap.  I stocked the mini-bookshelf with the few books I brought. 

In short, I was really settling in and tried to throw out the tourist mentality, the whole "I'm leaving soon" mentality.  I don't think I got rid of all of that, though; with half of my contract time nearly completed, it's easy to imagine being back at the States by the end of summer. 

And, naturally, with the move came thoughts of what was most important to me: my loved ones.

Beijing has its perks and pitfalls*, but so has any other city I've ever lived in so far.  I could take it or leave it.  But for the long-term, I need my loved ones nearby.  I can settle in nearly any (urban) city so as long as my loved ones are there with me.  And I like some of the people here, but I feel no real love here.  With the timezone difference, the contact window with friends and family has been incredibly restrictive as well. 

* As a side note, it'd be nice to live in a city where I could breathe without my throat hurting.  :P  So I could live in Beijing if loved ones were here, but since I love them, I'd highly discourage them from settling here.  It's too harsh on the respiratory system.

I've never felt as though I have a cause to fight for.

I don't consider myself religious, but sometimes I wonder if not having a cause means I don't have a soul.  To be sure, there are so many good causes one could support in the world, and trying to support them all might spread oneself too thin, emotionally, financially, physically.  But I haven't come across one that's dear to my heart, and so I end up with no cause at all.

It must be nice to have a "mission," to have a sense of purpose to your life.  It gives you an identity.

Seems silly to have an identity-crisis when you're only 22. 

I fear sometimes that my attempts to reach out to the world will mean nothing to me, that I am pursuing certain activities only to avoid the idea that I am not satisfied with myself.  Do I really want to go to China?  Do I really want to go to grad school for counseling?  Perhaps I am only doing these things just to tell people, "Yes, I have a plan for my life, and it's what I really, truly want."

I am of the opinion that it's better to keep moving forward with these half-hearted plans than to remain still and listless.  Perhaps what I truly fear is being still.  That's probably why I don't have a cause.

I saved an icon Demmie had once.  It said, "Life is not about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself."  Who do I want to be?  Is the person I want to become someone that I can't be?

Ah-ha.  The real problem is that I don't know what I want!  How can you "create yourself" if you don't know what you want to create?  And how can you find yourself if you don't know what you're looking for? 

...

I've noticed that in the past month, I've started doing more activities that fall under the list of "Things I've always wanted to do."  I know it's spurred by the idea that I won't get to do any of those things in a few weeks.  I've been enjoying my life a little more, smiling more, laughing more.  I stay out later and sleep less (except for Sundays).  I let myself drink more Dr. Pepper. 

How sad it is that we need "limited time"--to be on the brink of departure--to allow ourselves to savor the happiest moments of our lives.

I guess China will be great, then.  I'll constantly be thinking, "OMG, I have only six months!" and living life there like I won't get to see it again.

I will start by reiterating the introduction to last year's wish list:

It's the homebody in me that's now longing for experiences of substance rather than things in of themselves. And it's the understanding cheapskate in me that would rather not have people with good intentions and not-so-good pocketbooks strain themselves out to give me a gift, saying, "See, I thought well of you this holiday season."

This year's wish list, I hope, will reflect these two thoughts.

I've thought about it, and though there are lots of material things I'd love to have (see my Amazon wish list). But I really have only one wish for myself, and that is to be a better person in so many different ways. The following list will be categorized in all the different ways I hope to better myself. I am offering links to as many of them as I can, but you are welcome to shop at other stores, of course; I support great bargains!

1. Physically, I feel alright with myself, but I'd love to improve. Whether it's a more fit body, a great new haircut/hairdo, or a better fashion sense, I'd love to look at the mirror and think, "Hey, I look great today." Or I'd be able to run a mile and say at the end of the mile, "Hey, I feel great today." Learning to cook healthier, tastier cuisine might help. Suggestions:
- Vinyl dumbbells
- a kettle (I know this is only loosely related to the cooking thing, but a kettle is mighty convenient to have.)
- giftcard to a clothing/shoe/accessory store
- subscription to a fashion magazine?
- giftcard to a hair salon (around San Jose or LA)
- WARM HOODIE SWEATERS/JACKETS/SCARVES/BEANIE OMG (Hey, can't forget to keep healthy and warm, too!)

2. Mentally, I'd want even more work. I want to read for leisure again. I want to sharpen my writing and be able to hold intelligent conversations in a variety of topics: politics, religion, sociology, education, etc. I even want to learn "traditional math" (you guys from CAMS know what I mean... or not!) and be able to tutor comfortably in Algebra 2 or calculus. I'd love to try a little programming, speak a new foreign language, and learn how to read music a little more fluently (and learn the guitar for real this time!).
- Any one of the Harry Potter books (can't find the link for book 7! There IS a book 7, right?). I haven't started on any and would like to.
- A used Algebra 2 or calculus book that's NOT CPM
- Worksheets to practice Chinese characters on
- An interesting novel written in Vietnamese/Chinese/Spanish, as an incentive to learn enough of any one of those languages (like a treasure hunt!)
- Sheet music (preferably with guitar tabs) for new songs. I've already got tabs for Stairway to Heaven; if you could recommend other songs to learn, that'd be great. I'd love tabs for Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle.
- I have no idea how to start on learning a programming language independently, but I'm sure any number of "__ for Dummies" would work. What language would you guys recommend?

3. Socially, I'd like improvement as well. I tend to coop myself up in my room, mostly for work-related reasons, but the isolation is both protective and detrimental. I want to be able to hold a good, solid conversation with any stranger for 15 minutes. The hard part is getting over initial anxieties of meeting new people for the first time (with the purpose of getting to know them better). Also, I'd love to be able to tell a variety of good jokes for different audiences and occasions; what breaks ice better than laughter?
- A good joke book
- Tickets to an event, or a donation for Cirque du Soleil tickets
- Oh my god. This is a hard list to brainstorm for!

4. Emotionally, I'd like to feel more confident with myself. In the past, people have commented that they think me to be modest about my abilities, and I respond frankly, "I'm not modest. I just have a low self-esteem." It makes me afraid to try a lot of things, and when I do attempt new things or things that seem out-of-reach, my attempt shows my lack of confidence, too. I just want to see new chances as opportunities for success instead of failure.
- Hugs. Lots of it.

5. Financially, I'd want to be more independent, but not without compromising job/career satisfaction. Sure, I'm hoping to be able to put a down payment on a home someday, but I'd also love to afford travel (both in terms of time and money!). The "financial wish" is more about being able to pursue the rest of the other areas.
- Money! Hahaha, just kidding.

Okay, so the last three categories are hard to come up with. I'm just telling you what I really want, is all.

For those of you who do want to take part in this holiday meme, ( here it is. )

I love pool.

It all started months ago, really.  Back in April or May, when we were still just friends, MF and I went to Edgie's once after work to play for a few hours.  Then in June or July, we played at Santa Clara Billiards with two of his UCLA friends.  And I came back twice more to play with Chris and Sangeeta, then my sister Teresa.

I still needed to satiate my pool fix.

I had met someone on Craig's List who happened to be a pool junkie.  He told me about some bi-monthly pool mixers occurring around the South Bay; to play from 7:00 to 10:30, ladies pay $10, guys $15, and if you wanted to play more after that, you could pay $5 more to play til closing.  I figured that was a great deal, so I went.

That was three mixers ago.  :)

My first mixer was a little intimidating.  I came by myself and didn't know anyone; the first people there were the pool sharks.  Fortunately for me, they also happened to be very patient teachers.  My last game that night was quite a ways from the first game, and I was complimented a few times on my learning curve.

Since then, I've gotten to know the regulars bit by bit.  Some of them are there for the pure enjoyment of the game, and others hate to lose a game.  You can tell which one's which, and for a beginner like me, I try to hang out with the former. 

I've learned a lot at these mixers, including learning how to play nine-ball (which is a lot of fun) and cutthroat (not so fun).  I can hold my cue better than before, and I'm learning strategy as well (like when you clearly can't make a shot, shoot the cue ball so that your opponent can't either).  And about once or twice each mixer, my coach might tell me a shot is difficult to pull off, and I do it anyway... such great beginner's luck! 

The downside to pool, however, is that playing outside of these mixers is pricey.  The longer I play at a mixer, the more bang I get from my buck, especially since it sometimes takes me awhile to warm up. 

Wow, I'm already tired of writing this entry.  I'm reading it over and I'm tired of it.  Pool's just more fun to play than to talk about, but it's been such a major interest lately that I'd have to bring it up.

If you live in the Bay, especially the South Bay, come to a mixer!  The next one is two Saturdays from now, and it's most likely going to be at Lucky Shots in Sunnyvale from 7:00-10:30.  :)  It'll be fun!